Crank: Retardedly Awesome
I know this movie's already slightly old since it came out on 2006. But I just watched it last night, so fuck you. And hooooooly shit, Jason Statham could possibly be the baddest motherfucker on the face of the Earth. Sorry Samuel L. Jackson, Mr. "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane," you're done now. OK, so this flick is about Chev Chelios (Jason Statham), a professional hitman who after completing a job got whacked in the head and while knocked out, injected with some Chinese shit by his Latino rival, Verona. I think it was called "Beijing Cocktail" or something like that. I don't really remember now since I was so engaged in the awesomeness that Jason was churning out in this movie. Anyway, when he woke up there was this DVD that the Latino dudes left for him to watch. It was labeled "FUCK YOU." (Cool, eh?) In it he learned that the shit that was injected in to him is gonna kill him in an hour. So what will a guy that only has an hour to live do? Cry like a little bitch and pray? Fuck no. He smashes his fucking TV. Well that and take revenge on those assholes who practically already killed him. And, uhmm... say goodbye to his girlfriend, Eve (Amy Smart). Yeah, kinda girly I know.
And then he calls a bunch of people. His doctor, the Latinos, his girlfriend, *blah blah blah,* then he finds out that to slow his death down, he needs to produce adrenaline. So basically Chev Chelios needs to go ape shit. That or die. You know what, fuck this. I don't write reviews. So I'm just gonna list some of the most badass reasons why you should watch Crank. Apart from the obvious one that Jason Statham is gonna bust your door down and fuck your ass up wide open if you don't.
- He snorts cocaine off of a dirty bathroom floor.
- He "kicks some black ass" for no reason at all. (OK, OK, there's a reason. To raise his adrenaline. But come on, that's a given in this movie. That's what it's about. If he stops, he dies. So I'm gonna count that as "no reason." I f you don't want me to, then fuck you, again.)
- Police chase. In a car. While in the mall. And the car ends up in the fucking escalator.
- He beats the shit out of a convenience store attendant and robs the place clean of energy pills and drinks. I'm sure he has a whole lot of money, since he kills people for a living. But he's just that awesome so he just steals. Because as we all know, stealing is next to awesomeness.
- He chops Verona's brother's hand off with a meat cleaver. Then shoots him with a Desert Eagle .50. Using his severed hand.
- He runs around the city in just a hospital gown, nothing else. And to all the faggots reading this, yes, his ass is exposed a whole bunch of times.
- He makes fun of a motorcycle cop. Then steals his bike.
- Amy smart is wearing little pink panties.
- Chev burns his own hand with a waffle iron, so he can fucking stay awake.
- Jason fucks Amy from behind in the middle of China Town. With all the people watching. While yelling, "I'm alive! I'm alive!"
- A faggot is killed by Latino gangsters by putting a bag over his head. (Now that's good.)
- Chev grabs the hand of a fatty gangster and shoves it into a sewing machine.
- Eve sucks Chev's cock. Car chase, Chev on the wheel. Gun fight, Chev blasts all the motherfuckers away. ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.
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